Don’t Just Stand There – Frow The Brow
Taliban or Jam Band Fan? Neither.
Dear NBAPA,
There is a 19-year old University of Kentucky Alumni currently waiting to be selected first overall in the 2012 NBA Draft by the New Orlean Hornets who plans on rocking a unibrow throughout his professional basketball career. My question for you is, does anybody plan on doing anything about this?
Sincerly,
Concerned NBA Fan
Yes I wrote that letter and yes I was planning on sending it, but for what purpose? On top of starting point guard duties for the San Antonio Spurs, everyone knows that Tony Parker’s responsibilities also include reading all of NBAPA’s inbound mail. Now I’ve never attempted to read with an eyepatch, but I would have to imagine that Tony’s productivity is bound to be cut in half. In taking full consideration of this hypothesis, I’ve decided to air my grievances out like every other coward with a laptop and a Wordpress account.
I’m sorry but I will not tolerate such brash disregard for the unspoken rules of our society. Typically the first person to commend a man on his outstanding face fur, I refuse to hop on the BrowWagon. I find it hard to believe that I’m the only person not charmed by the furry snake currently taking residence on Anthony Davis’ face. There has to be some NBA players out there who can’t wait to rub their unicrack on Davis’ unibrow.
I know some of the Beerys can relate. We all remember growing up playing organized sports, right? There was always that one kid who tried to mask their mediocre skill with some sort of visual shenanigan.
Take the meathead lacrosse defender who reasoned that if two strips of black lipstick under yours eyes was good to deter the sun, then smearing the shit in every pore of your face could only be more beneficial; Or the third basemen in a slow pitch softball league, who smokes cigarettes while taking practice ground balls, only to have them blast off his chest after the umpire asks to play ball; Or lastly consider the shithead guard balling in a $200 pair of Air Jordans and corresponding shooting sleeves on each arm, who feels compelled to shoot the jay every time he touches the ball as if it causes him physical pain to hold it long enough to find an open man.
Everyone has encountered these people in their adolescent careers. Is it not our sole purpose to make these players feel like complete assholes throughout the course of a game? Does no one in the NBA feel the same way?
Where the hell is Gregg Williams when you need him? It’s not like the guy has anything to do for the next 365 days.
The wrestling fan inside of me wants a guy like Metta World Peace to hit Davis with the Five-Knuckle Shuffle in the middle of the court, then rip his unibrow off and wear it as a mustache from Movemeber to May. Call me old fashioned I guess.
But seriously this thing better be gone by Thanksgiving 2012. If Anthony Davis is still rocking the Brow after the first candle of the Manaura is lit then the NBA has officially gone soft. A dude like Oakley would have carried a Bic disposable in his sock if the opportunity presented itself.
Players today lack motivation. To counter I ask that all of the NBAPA consider the people who have ever voluntarily rocked a unibrow without seeking financial gain.
People like:
Liam Gallagher
Helga Pataki,
or even one of America’s proudest citizens…
Sam the Eagle.
My only hope is that Davis soon realizes the impact he will have on fans of the NBA and stops using his star power to elicit financial gains and starts giving back to the less fortunate.
How about donating that signature trademark to Charlie Villanueva for starters? He’s already got the matching wig.
Related articles
- Don’t Just Stand There – Frow The Brow (betweenthebeers.com)
- Esquire:Anthony Davis Will Never Lose His Unibrow (esquire.com)
- Anthony Davis Trademarks His Unibrow (complex.com)
- Sports star trademarks ‘unibrow’ (thesun.co.uk)
- Anthony Davis files trademarks for unibrow phrases ahead of NBA draft (news.blogs.cnn.com)
- Anthony Davis Is Trademarking His Glorious Unibrow (dlisted.com)
- You: Top NBA Draft Prospect Anthony Davis Applies to Trademark Brow (bleacherreport.com)
- #anthonydavis (sasstag.com)
- Davis Could Have to Buy ‘Brow Trademark (lostlettermen.com)
- Unibrow Trademarked (theawl.com)
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