LeBron James: An Alternate History
As I mentioned on Twitter, prior obligations prevented me from watching the playoffs Thursday night, and thus I missed Game 3 of the Heat-Pacers series. Although there is not another recap until Sunday, it kind of works to my advantage since no one is talking about the game itself anyway and instead focusing (rightfully) on Miami’s imminent meltdown and whether they’ll amnesty Dwyane Wade and making sure to invoke the “Not five, not six, not seven” line as frequently as possible as a warning shot to remind any athletes or coaches that they’d be better off having a tire iron smacked directly into each knee ligament 50 times before even thinking about publicly promulgating unfulfillable championship aspirations. So instead, we’re combing a Heat recap with the usual photo captions and presenting an alternate history of LeBron James’s last two years; it’s a scenario that might have made him a sympathetic figure this season rather than a player eliciting an almost unhealthy amount of schadenfreude from his detractors. Without further ado:
“I’ve given it a lot of thought, and I’ve decided that I’m bypassing this embarrassing, shameful television spectacle and taking my talents to Twitter to announce where I’m signing, a la humble, unassuming ole Kevin Durant. Hell, I’ll even do it in fewer characters than he used!”
“Our goal is not five, not six, not seven championships. No, that would be presumptuous and irresponsible. Our goal is a concerted effort over time to coalesce into a properly functioning unit capable of performing at a high level deep into the playoffs. We also hope to develop a chemistry that allows us to go toe-to-toe in a long, competitive series against an evenly-matched Western Conference counterpart.”
“I know the backlash isn’t about race. We live in an exceptionally tolerant and respectful society and any criticism of me is solely the result of my own actions, for which I take responsibility.”
“What should I do? I feel if we share our feelings and collaborate on ideas, we could reach a consenus that would satisfy all our needs.”
“I may have had my differences with the Cavaliers’ ownership and front office, but I hope the fans and community in Cleveland know they’re a group any athlete would be proud to have the opportunity to play for and represent.”
“I feel awful about Dirk’s flu symptoms. I’ll text mama and ask her to whip up her famous Chicken Soup and Green Tea combo and bring it to him after the game.”
“I know it’s tough out there for a lot of people, so if deriving satisfaction from my shortcomings has served as an even temporary distraction from your hardships, I’m glad something good could come out of this painful time for me.”
“This is quite an honor, but the real MVPs are our brave men and women serving in the armed forces at home and abroad, as well as the teachers enlightening young minds every day, the cops and firemen protecting our neighborhoods in our daily lives, the doctors and scientists dedicating their lives to eradicating diseases and famine all across the world, and the volunteers traveling to all regions of the planet to help those who thought help would never arrive.”
Yeah, actually, that scenario sucks. Hate and mock LeBron James to your heart’s content, but at least admit this: We can have the athlete who embodies all the humble and self-effacing characteristics we pretend we want them to have—and then get outraged when they speak or behave differently—or we can have the tactless, reckless, polarizing athlete who dominates water cooler discussions and message board and blog threads, but we can’t have both. The chickens are coming home to roost once again during the Heat’s implosion because of all the stupid shit LeBron James has said and done, but since I’m a cynical bastard that doesn’t even believe humility exists and that it’s merely the sublimated form of suppressed arrogance, I’ll take the jackass who gives me blog material any day.
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