Above Average Thoughts From An Average Guy
Trust me, I only want to see a 53-year-old mom in fishnets for financial reasons.
You know what the final game of America’s favorite sport featuring the two best teams playing on one neutral site to determine the champion needs: 7,500 additional subplots we can wager on! After scouring the myriad Super Bowl prop bets, here are my picks for the ten absolute stupidest bets in the most pointless categories (and who I like in them anyway, because why the fuck not?)
All lines courtesy of Sportsbook.com
1. Coin toss: Tails (-101)
I never get why one year, some smart-ass casino doesn’t make Heads (-101) and Tails (-150), just to see if anyone bets tails. It would serve as a de facto IQ test.
2. Jersey number of the player to score the first touchdown: Over 80.5 (-130)
This is a true amateur prop. Rather than trying to really crunch the numbers and analyze the matchups to ascertain whether Victor Cruz can accumulate a certain amount of yards or Rob Gronkowski will reach a certain total of receptions, you can stroll in to the Super Bowl with nary a clue as to who any of these people are and yet still win this bet just by rooting for uniform numbers. (In other words, this is how moms and girlfriends will win money this weekend.)
At least take it to an excessively-unhinged gambling extreme like John Walsh and Hunter S. Thompson did with their famous Bills/Steelers Monday Night Football wager in 1973.
Anyway, unless you’re REALLY confident in Victor Cruz or a running back, take the over.
3. Will one quarter be scoreless (i.e.: Will 1 quarter have a 0-0 score?): No (-400)
I don’t care if “Yes” is giving you +300. Who wants to be the guy at their party booing scoring, offense, and excitement for a 15-minute stretch?
4. Will the game be tied after 0-0?: Yes (-105)
Another bet in which picking “No” would lead to an evening of miserable rooting interests. Yes, that’s just what I like in my Super Bowl: consistent, unmatched, uncontested leads for the remainder of the game immediately following the first score.
5. Super Bowl MVP: Deion Branch/Mario Manningham (+3000)
Let’s just say it’s a war of attrition and Rob Gronkowski can’t stay in the game, the defense is focused on shutting down Wes Welker and Aaron Hernandez (from the Giants’ perspective) and Hakeem Nicks and Victor Cruz (from the Patriots’ perspective). Is it inconceivable one of the other receivers slips under the radar and breaks out for a monster game? Actually, it probably is. You’re better off parlaying Danny Woodhead for MVP (+3000) with Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close winning Best Picture at the Oscars and Rick Santorum capturing the GOP nomination. If all three come through, you can retire. If not, the betting slip will make a great gag gift come Christmastime.
6. What color will the Gatorade (or Liquid) be that is dumped on the Head Coach of the Winning Team?: Blue (+1000)
It’s always fun to start throwing conniptions in front of your guests when there’s no action on the field and the game’s already been decided simply because your long-shot pick of beverage coloring has fallen apart. And I took umbrage with Bill Barnwell’s denigration of blue Gatorade. “Cool Blue” is the sleeper Gatorade flavor of choice.
All of these odds are pretty big (with the exception of clear/water), which upon further inspection makes it seems like it’d be the most manipulatable prop. What’s to stop some Lucas Oil Stadium attendant from sneaking a peek at what’s in the giant drum being wheeled to each team’s sideline and throwing a grand down on that color as a little Super Bowl week bonus? It’s the best Super Bowl conspiracy theory if not for…
7. How long will it take Kelly Clarkson to sing the national anthem (From when the first note starts until she completes saying “Brave”)?: Over 1 Minute, 35 Seconds
Conspiracy Theory #2: All the Ron Paul acolytes coerce Kelly Clarkson into throwing the time on the Star Spangled Banner above 1:35, then proceed to funnel all of the money they won betting on the over to the congressman’s presidential campaign. Hey, it still feels more legal than Super PACs.
8. Will Madonna be wearing fishnet stockings at any point during the Super Bowl Halftime Show?: Yes (-115)
You can take the “No” (-400) in regards to whether she’ll wear an NFL Jersey at any point during the show while you’re at it. The spontaneity and unpredictability of the wedding dress/cone bra-era Madonna has died out; she’s pretty much worn the same ensemble for the past 20 years.
While we’re at it, how cool is it that since Nipplegate, two of the “safe” Super Bowl acts have consisted of the only performer to have released a Sex book as well as the writer of the song that incited Tipper Gore’s music-censorship jihad? (The writer and song would be Prince and “Darling Nikki,” for the uninitiated.)
9. Cross-Sport Prop: LeBron James (-120) +1.5 over Patriots total points
The Heat is playing the Raptors at home. Even if the Pats put up 30 this seems like a safe bet. To be honest, it’s just fun to incorporate LeBron and Bill Belichick into the same bet. Maybe there’ll be some Kardashian/Yankees prop this spring; it might be the only way to top the level of villainy on display in this one.
10. Eli Manning, total rushing yards: Over 2.5 (-120)
Actually, this one is kind of fun: EVERY SINGLE TIME he’s snapped the ball, you’re three measly yards from collecting on this bet. And yet you’ll still probably lose. And you will be judged for betting it in the first place. And rightfully so. And I just hope you paid off the Christmas credit card debt before wagering on this bullshit.